I've just been watching the second season of Nip/Tuck, my absolute favorite t.v. show, although lately, I've been getting into the Justice League...don't ask. It's a very intense show. Lots of shock value, lots of drama. It sort of got me thinking about stuff.

Lately, well, within the past few weeks, I've been stressing over my future, grades, and I've been going through some personal battles as well. Not to mention I haven't been to class in like 2 weeks, longer for my chem class, I failed the LS midterm, I'm about to fail a chem quiz tomorrow (in addition to the one I already failed, and one I missed), I most likely failed a chem midterm, possibly an econ midterm, and am very likely to fail my next to midterms, as well as the finals, and even the classes themselves. It's rather depressing to think about these things. I know I need to get back on track, now more than ever...I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel numb to everything. I sort of care, but not really. I don't really freak out about anything...I just let it fade, and push it to the back of my mind so I never have to think about it again. I can't handle it, I think. The stress is killing me.

Then again, I think about how when I look at my diary (yes, diary) entries now, the ones from elementary and middle school, I just laugh at the insignificance. I wonder if that's how I'll feel about my blogs later on. It's true, nothing now is as big as it seemed then. And yet, I have regrets and whatifs. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I had just tried a little harder at everything. The piano, the flute, school, everything. Now this next part may seem like bragging, but I'm not really trying to.

I discovered that lectures really help me. Well, for the most part. I think I'm pretty good at learning through listening, or at least memorizing through listening. That means I have potential. Because I can absorb so much information just by listening, I don't need to study as much as some people to get results. The point is, I have potential, I think. It does me no good, though, when I just squander it by never going to class or studying. Today I tried to study for the chem quiz tomorrow. I tried, but I'm so behind that I couldn't understand anything. This makes me not want to go to class...the cycle. The thing is, I feel like it's just too late. I didn't sign up for tutoring, and I'm so behind, I doubt anyone can help me catch up at this point. Hopeless. That's this feeling I'm having, this sort of depressed, frustrated feeling. I feel like I'm drowning and no one can save me.

Why do I do these things?