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Fire Alarm(s)

UGH! We had not one, not two, but three fire alarms today. Three! WTF is that. 3:45, 7:30, and 10:30, all in the a.m.

Lowered Expectations

So I figured out that if I can just get Cs in LS and Econ, I can get a D in chem and still stay in. I don't know how I'm doing in econ, and I did pretty bad on the second midterm in LS, and realllllly bad on the second midterm in chem. Still, I'm a little more optimistic, even if I only have 3 days left. I don't know any chem at all, so this could be difficult, but hopefully I can learn enough to get a C on the final, and a D in the class, assuming I get Cs in the other two classes. It's sad that these are my goals now, Cs and Ds. Ugh. I mean, I'll still have to deal with some other stuff, like repeating too many classes, being behind in units, going to summer school, etc. Laaaaaame. So lame. But I hope I can do it.

I've been totally stressing about this whole situation, and like, today, I realized, God won't put me through anything I'm not capable of dealing with. So I prayed that he could give me the strength to trust in him, to trust that he has a plan. I was still afraid, of course, but now I feel a little better, having discovered the specifics of the grading thing.

I just can't wait to get this all over with. I think this has officially scared me straight. Like, this is possibly the lowest point in my life so far. Next quarter I'm going to class. I'm a fast learner when I go to class. If I just go, it should be okay.

On a side note, I can't wait to go on the road trip to Seattle with Emlyn! We haven't seen each other since summer, and this will be my first road trip with her, and I might even drive! (SAVE your comments...) We're going to visit friends in SF and Portland as well. This is like, my incentive. Well, besides the fact that I might get kicked out...Also, I bought a cross stitch kit on eBay. It should arrive Monday or Tuesday. I thought cross stitch was kinda lame at first, b/c you can't really make anything practical, but then I decided I don't care, b/c it's fun. It came with all the stuff to make a really pretty picture of a mermaid. It looks hard, but I'm willing, and excited (How dorky am I???). I did a keychain, and that was fun. Much smaller, though. The counting is kinda tedious, so I'm thinking next time, I'll buy a stamped pattern instead, which I think is sort of like a picture outline, and then you just "color" it in.

Anyway, I've wasted much too much time on here, so I should go study now.

Done with Midterms!!!

I took my last midterm today, for econ. WT heck, it's 9th week and the final is two weeks from today. Whatever. I'm finally done with them, only to have finals to look forward to, all three on the same day. I think I did okay...the true/false section was much easier this time, since I had actually read the book. Plus, he hates the government, and if you just know that, you can answer like half of them easily.

Some interesting sightings on the way back from the midterm. As you may or may not know (or care), this week is Beat '$C week here at UCLA, thought I'm pretty sure we all know we're going to lose. It's just one of those years. Anyway, the giant Bruin is all covered up with a special tent-type thing that secured to the ground with chains and locks. There are special little loops built into the cement for just this. On the tent thing, it says "The Bruin is Hibernating." Funny. Also, on one of the green mesh fences surrounding areas under construction, someone wrote, "fuck the fascists." I wonder what that person was referring to? It's possible that it's in referece to the UC Regents meeting they had a couple weeks ago. Apparently there are always a bunch of protests and stuff. I don't know. At work they told us to wear shirts under our uniforms in case the crowd got too rowdy. We have to be able to escape as regular students, not like, let them know that we work for the school or something, I guess.

Also, the sushi place in Ackerman smells like warm soy sauce in the morning.

Thanksgiving

I went home on Wednesday for Thanksgiving break, came back Saturday for work. It was raining, and empty here. Kinda weird. Didn't do much, really...went to Kange's house for Thanksgiving dinner; that's about it. Went to the mall on Friday, but there wasn't much...Santa Anita never has much. Still haven't receive the scarf I won on eBay yet. I hoped I would have it by Saturday, since it was shipped Wednesday, but maybe today?

I've been doing pretty bad on my midterms, which means I have to do amazingly well on finals...which means I should start studying now. O school, how I hate thee...

My first time...with eBay

This morning I woke up extra early (8:45 or so?) so that I could watch and bid on the auction I've had my eye on. I put in a bid at around 9:47, and the auction ended at 9:57. I had just barely won. Yay! Exciting. Now I await the shipment. I just hope I didn't get ripped off. Maybe I should have waited. I think maybe I should have. It was also the first time I ever really used my credit card, the one that's all my own, not the one cosigned by my mom. Although, I don't have a checking account yet, and I found out that I don't get my first paycheck until about a month after I start working, which is after the statement for my credit card comes in the mail, I think. I'm going to try to open one this weekend, and I think my mom will have a check for me, ready to deposit. Exciting.

On a more depressing note, I think I did really, really badly on the second chem midterm. I don't even know what I got on the first one, and I did pretty bad on the second LS midterm as well. I don't know what I got on my econ midterm either, but the second one is next week. I really need to do well...but I guess that's not going to happen anytime soon, at least not this quarter.

Wish me luck...

I've just been watching the second season of Nip/Tuck, my absolute favorite t.v. show, although lately, I've been getting into the Justice League...don't ask. It's a very intense show. Lots of shock value, lots of drama. It sort of got me thinking about stuff.

Lately, well, within the past few weeks, I've been stressing over my future, grades, and I've been going through some personal battles as well. Not to mention I haven't been to class in like 2 weeks, longer for my chem class, I failed the LS midterm, I'm about to fail a chem quiz tomorrow (in addition to the one I already failed, and one I missed), I most likely failed a chem midterm, possibly an econ midterm, and am very likely to fail my next to midterms, as well as the finals, and even the classes themselves. It's rather depressing to think about these things. I know I need to get back on track, now more than ever...I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel numb to everything. I sort of care, but not really. I don't really freak out about anything...I just let it fade, and push it to the back of my mind so I never have to think about it again. I can't handle it, I think. The stress is killing me.

Then again, I think about how when I look at my diary (yes, diary) entries now, the ones from elementary and middle school, I just laugh at the insignificance. I wonder if that's how I'll feel about my blogs later on. It's true, nothing now is as big as it seemed then. And yet, I have regrets and whatifs. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I had just tried a little harder at everything. The piano, the flute, school, everything. Now this next part may seem like bragging, but I'm not really trying to.

I discovered that lectures really help me. Well, for the most part. I think I'm pretty good at learning through listening, or at least memorizing through listening. That means I have potential. Because I can absorb so much information just by listening, I don't need to study as much as some people to get results. The point is, I have potential, I think. It does me no good, though, when I just squander it by never going to class or studying. Today I tried to study for the chem quiz tomorrow. I tried, but I'm so behind that I couldn't understand anything. This makes me not want to go to class...the cycle. The thing is, I feel like it's just too late. I didn't sign up for tutoring, and I'm so behind, I doubt anyone can help me catch up at this point. Hopeless. That's this feeling I'm having, this sort of depressed, frustrated feeling. I feel like I'm drowning and no one can save me.

Why do I do these things?